The Opinions of Others and the Muddy Puddle Problem

“I don’t care about what other people think of me” is a phrase that I have been unable to utter, my entire life. I have always wondered at the amount of times I’ve read that phrase or versions of it in interviews and heard successful people tout it in terms of their successes. There’s a good chance that you, yeah, you, reading this right now, think, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, and I never have, big deal”; meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, “yeah that’s great, good for you because it is a strong quality to have, but I could never not care about that.”

I have always thought that as a people-pleaser, someone who is emotionally crippled at the thought of someone being upset at me, disappointed in me, or just plain doesn’t like me, caring about what other people think is simply a part of me. It's my burden to bear. I could never change. I never thought it was an issue, really; in fact, I’ve often wished I could know how others saw me so I could have a better sense of what my good qualities are, what to change and how to improve. In other words, I have used my imagined sense of others’ opinions of me as a benchmark for my own personal success.

A little tweak of the way I dress here, a little twist of the way I talk there, I will confess that I have slanted myself here and there in order to be the person that [I think] others know me to be or want me to be or expect me to be. (That was hard to write because I’m not proud of this.) These slight variations don’t go deep enough to compromise my true self, but they are enough make me appear a bit wishy-washy at times.

I have finally, slowly, been able to uncover the truth of the matter:  that this is a problem because I’m letting my own personal colours bleed into the colours of others, and letting those colours bleed into mine, creating a muddy puddle of non-colour, much like the cup of dirty water you use to clean a paint brush in over and over again.

By trying to be several interpretations of one person, I just become a muddy puddle of non-colour. What’s more is that this is all based on my perceptions; nobody knows what anyone else actually thinks. We’ll never know what people actually think; only what they choose to say. Everyone is entitled to their opinions anyway, whether they voice them or not. And honestly, we all probably don’t spend all that much time thinking about other people and what we like about them and what we don’t. And if we knew, it would be overwhelming, confusing, and ultimately not worth worrying about. Right?

This type of muddy puddle person is not the type of person that people like—a crushing revelation to someone who is trying to gain approval! Be yourself, right? This is what people say all the time. After all, isn’t it refreshing to hear someone say something true and honest, even if it is a shock? I love it when someone speaks their mind without restraint or without painting it a different colour than it actually is. Raw honesty is so beautiful.

I’ve finally begun to notice the negative effects of this way of thinking—of all the caring about what people think. The muddy puddle. The subsequent deeper question of who I really am—who one really is. The feeling of “not fully myself” vs. the confident feeling of “really myself.” I have started to see a glimpse of the crucial importance of outlining myself in some black permanent marker so my colours don’t bleed as much and diffuse into a grayish puddle of non-colour.

A huge part of not caring about what other people think is letting go of things we can hold onto as measurements of value. Letting go of trying to please people when the true you just can't because your values don’t line up with that other person’s—and being OK with being different. Letting go of the conception of beauty that you are trying to embody when your own physical features just can’t reflect that conception of beauty (instead, they reflect your own conception of beauty—your own kind of beautiful). Letting go of whatever others expect you to be—letting go of needing to be just that—by getting to know yourself better so you can properly understand your own outlines and just what shape you take. Letting go of wanting to be something else and instead accepting the person you are, the space you occupy, the specific type of influence you hold. By understanding these aspects of yourself, you can determine how you feel you need to improve upon what you already are, rather than stretching in weird positions to jump over to another, completely “not you” conception of yourself. (It’s awkward.)

I can’t believe how many years I have been governed by the pressure to guess what others have thought and modify accordingly, waiting for a tidbit of approval to keep me going. I’m throwing this out into the open with the hopes that it will give me some accountability to step out of my muddy puddle and stay out of it.

I hope that this can shed some light for anyone else out there who has cared too much about what other people think—cared to the point of allowing the opinions of others to affect your expression of yourself to the world. Reinforce your own colours by outlining your values, your awesome personality traits, your passions and your strengths so that your colours brighten up and are clearer and more visible to the world. We need you and your bright colours because nobody else reflects them in quite the same way that you do!

Talk to me or message me about your thoughts on this topic! How have you been able to ignore or walk past the opinions of others? What gives you confidence in yourself? How do you walk the straight line without wavering to the right or the left?