Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Four Seasons

 



Winter

Blown in by the wind

To a barren wasteland

Whitewashed by the weather

Nothing here, but here I stand


It’s cold and I’m alone here,

Stretching out my arms

It’s still in all the snow here,

Forgotten frozen charm


I’m free for a while

So I step into the snow

It’s a while before I realize

I don’t know where to go


The sun is bright and blinding,

I'm lost in an open space

The snow is deep and heavy

With the chances that I face


I dreamed of warmth and light

On the other side of cold

I dreamed of possibilities

To have but not to hold


Build a cage around me

It’s a safer place to be

Draw some lines out in the snow

Plant some pines and watch them grow


Build a cage around me

It’s a safer place to be

I’ll break the cage one of these days

I’ll bend the bars and walk away





Spring

After walking quite a long distance in the cold

She felt like giving up and letting go

She wrote some messages in the snow 

Explaining how she got here


She lay beside a river, nestled along the bank

Her dress was white and her expression blank

It wasn’t long before ice formed a hard layer on top of her

She said, “Here I’ll lie, frozen in time.”

(A Sleeping Beauty of sorts)


Well, you know what comes after winter: 

Spring

Everything has a chance to start over again

Let’s start with the sun – it grew stronger and burned longer every day, 

It saw the messages in the snow

It blazed at the girl and said, 


“Let me shine on you

Let me warm your soul

Let my light be your light

Let’s shine on the world.”


As the sun said these words, 

A small fissure appeared in the ice,

And the girl moved her hand.


An oak tree nearby felt the fissure as well 

He, too, read the message in the melting snow

The words were crooked now, but were still readable

He moved all his branches as breezes flew past and said to the girl,


“You belong and your roots are strong

They were made just for you, with great love

You may bend with the changing of seasons,

But the roots, your deepest heart, will keep you true”


It wasn’t long before the sun melted the river 

In its deepest places

And the sun told the river about the girl

The river began to move and chant and flow 

Over the girl, waking up the girl, saying, 


“Come along now; it’s time to get up and move

When the ground is slippery, and when it’s easy,

Just keep going;

It’s not the pace but the space you cross,

Whether a mile or a misstep,

Enjoy the flow of the river always.”


As the snow continued to melt, in the grass along the river, 

Flowers appeared, from one moment to the next

Crocuses, snow drops, forget-me-nots

Blooming in time, breathing in and out and onto the frozen girl,


“We have not seen this kind of beauty before

You’re the most beautiful you

Your character lights up your face

You’re glowing beneath all that ice!”


The flowers swayed in the breeze—

A warm breeze from the south 

Blowing Spring across the land

Blowing Winter away


As soon as the breeze saw the girl, 

It slowed and stopped at the spot

It whispered and whirled around the girl’s ears

Layers of voices, lovely and clear

Gently, quietly, wisps of words

A melody began to emerge,


“Everything will be all right

Everything will be all right

I’ll take you above all fear where it’s bright

And everything will be all right.”


By now, the girl thought she was dreaming, 

Hearing all these lovely sounds,

Hearing words in the wind and flowers singing

She opened her eyes and saw clusters of birds, 

Loud birds, on branches above her


It seemed like a racket at first,

But when you listened long enough, 

You could hear them whistle and repeat

Within chirps and tweets

The most beautiful song,


“Do you know how important you are?

Do you know that your life is a light?

It’s springtime; wake up and be free

Lift your head, look around, never fear

I promise, everything will be all right.”


And with that last line, the birds and the breeze entered a harmony

Sweeter than anything the girl could have dreamed up 

And Sleeping Beauty couldn’t sleep anymore

You see, it’s springtime, and her life was green and growing

She sat up with a gasp as the last bits of ice shattered around her

She stood up with a shiver and wrung out her white dress

And along the river she ran

Along the river she ran,

With Spring in her step

With the flowers and trees, the birds and the breeze

Cheering her on underneath the bright sun 

And she knew that everything was going to be all right. 

Everything was going to be all right.



Summer

In between the trees

All the trees nobody sees

The forest becomes silent

Heat comes up from underneath


Slow down and let it simmer

I just want a simple summer

Just the breezes through the leaves

Just the sun under my skin


Summer’s under pressure

Friday feelings all week long

A mess of summer memories

Are strewn across the lawn


Out there in the streets

People piled in SUVs

They’ve got to live their summer dreams

And stay ahead of falling leaves


Summer’s under pressure 

Hardly here before it’s gone

If you move too fast

You’ll be forsaken by the sun


Slow down and let it simmer

I just want a simple summer

Just the breezes through the leaves

Just the sun under my skin


Stop

Don’t go

Just take it slow

Stay 

Maybe pray

Maybe listen to Coldplay

Lie

Under the tree

Go to sleep, go to sleep

Freeze time

Summer time

Simple syrup, squeeze of lime



Fall

Remember the river? 

First frozen, it quickened in spring

Meandered through summer

And slowed as it approached the fall


Everything is about to change


Amber and maroon

Marooned on the shore

I cannot go furthermore


I can't go like this;

Something has to change

I need to grow into my wings


The Falls are thundering

The fall is wondering

The chaos calls me, beckoning


But not before I change

I need the winds of change

I want to fly above it all


Every-thing ends up here, I’m here

Waist-deep in the chatter, the debris of the year

The river pushes conversations, turns them around

Pooling and collecting, then absorbing in the ground


It’s happening so fast, I feel the water pull me in

Multi-coloured memories are flashing from within

I’m waiting for my wings to form ‘cause I don’t want to fall

I don’t want to let go; I can be strong, though I feel small


On my way to winter, whether well- or ill-prepared

My wings are all I have, I need them strong, I can’t be scared

Down below, way too slow, it will be different, but I know

Whether feathers fly or fall, it doesn’t matter: winter calls


The river chatters and repeats the things I’m worrying about 

I look down and play trust and push aside the shifting doubt

I spread my wings and let go and feel the rush and now I know

That I can fly and I can feel and I am free and now I know


I started learning how to grow these wings a long time ago

I started learning how to grow these wings a long time ago

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Version 40.0



I turned 40 today. 

40 feels, well, ten years older than 30. When I turned 30, I shared my thoughts about it here. I sounded so much younger—ten years younger, to be exact.

At 40, you have a lot of life to look back on. The fact that 20 years ago, I was an adult, kind of blows my mind. 

(I’m good at math, eh?)

I guess I need to do these equations to really feel the significance of 40.

Now, I say things my parents used to say. I tell my kids, “When I was your age, we didn’t have the Internet. We had to drive to a place called Blockbuster and rent physical movie DVDs to watch...and then we had to return them!” 

Now, having a good night’s sleep is an emergency situation. I feel like I'm ahead of the game if I'm in bed before 10 p.m. Which is my bedtime. Because I'm an adult and I have a bedtime.

Now, the top shelf of my pantry is full of supplements.

Just like my body really craves and needs balance and yells at me when I slip out of equilibrium, my mind seems to need the same sort of balance now more than ever before. Imbalance is a problem that can't go ignored.

I've spent a lot of time, had a lot of conversations, filled a lot of journals and cluttered a lot of space in my mind trying to figure life out--trying to find the balance. My purpose. What I would do. Why certain things happened in certain ways. As though life is a complex math problem, not just simple addition and subtraction.

As my 30s ebbed away, I felt left with this determination, this intuitive warning, this desire to just be as much as I have been doing, doing, doing (but never quite doing enough). That duality of life, being and doing, requires equilibrium, and I've never appreciated that so much as I do now. 

In the "being" is where I've found a lot of magic.

Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the fullness of life and all its relationships and responsibilities at "middle age" that grows a desperation to find calm, or rest, or peace, or a break, or a minute, or a moment, but I have never felt so indebted to nature as I have recently for its truth, its raw beauty, its honesty. 

It only takes a moment for nature to astound you:

Lying on the grass and listening to the wind in the trees, the catbird's original song to the left, the deafening buzz of prehistoric-looking cicadas hidden in sycamores with peeling trunks to the right. Walking through quiet woods covered in multidimensional green from the sky to the forest floor, surrounded by the stillness and reassurance of friendly, old trees. Sitting in a kayak in the middle of a northern lake, a panorama of trees on hills outlining inky, sparkling water that diffuses all the anxiety in your stomach, replacing it with a weighted calm. The sacred moment of a striking sunrise at its height of intensity. The silhouette of a white pine shaped by the prevailing winds. I'm gonna cry.

I find myself desperate for it--a walk down a path, a bird song, a clump of moss, the texture of clouds in the sky, the joy of the sun, the earthy scent of the rain. When you're always "doing," you can easily miss these moments. Just "being" in nature allows you to fall under its spell.

The cartography of my heart has also become more detailed, more complex. I have always felt this way, but after 40 years of knowing and loving so many people, I can honestly say with conviction that there is no greater joy than what comes from an honest and unfettered conversation, a squeezy hug or a gut-clenching belly laugh shared with someone I love. The thrill of connection remains at the pinnacle of what I value in life.

I feel like the same person I was when I was younger, just the newly-released version: Version 40.0.

I've finally noticed and accepted things about myself that perhaps I never wanted to acknowledge. You know, the pesky attributes that simmer under the surface until you are ready to say hi to them, acknowledge their existence and either help them find a place in your life or deal with them so they are no longer that constant, annoying burden.

I've also had to accept the harsh realities of life that my Version 20.0 or even Version 30.0 self may have been too naive to understand. Amidst the many lovely and fun and exciting and rewarding and amazing experiences of my life, I've seen more unbelievable things happen the longer I have lived, and therefore had to believe that they could happen, which also means accepting that they could happen again. There is much to lose. I suppose one would have seen these things happen by the time your life is statistically half over.

But in a world like the one we live in right now, which feels more strange and less safe by the day, which has been infected by a pandemic of many things, and after having dealt with many challenges, I can see that all the dusky days, the cloud cover, the darkness, the strangeness, the difficulties and the disappointments are what allow me to realize and appreciate the good, all the little bits of happy that really matter SO MUCH...that glow and dance like fireflies against a sometimes dark backdrop:


crafting the perfect cheese sauce


coconut whipped cream in my coffee


the memes and jokes shared in group chats


the unexpectedly delightful things my kids say


the whispered breezes of kindness from others


the joy of making soup for loved ones


the jeans that solve a multitude of problems


karaoke and then more karaoke and then one more song and then JUST one more song 


finishing a fantastic book and wandering around for days in the after-haze


the legacies we're all weaving together


This is how I feel at 40.