Communication goes
something like this: Person A says or does something—words or an action on a
blank piece of paper—which is then shaped and coloured in by that person’s personality,
life experiences, current mood, and of course, whatever intention Person A had
in the first place.
“Honey, I think you
should go with the red dress.”
Then that piece of
communication falls into a giant space. The Space Between Intention and
Interpretation.
Person B will
eventually receive that piece of communication and based on their own
personality, life experiences and current mood, will make a choice about just
how he or she will interpret that piece of information.
“So you’re saying I
look bad in the black dress. Jerk.”
What happens in the
Space?
A LOT can happen in
the Space.
The Space is the place
where the difference between intention and interpretation is established—where
assumptions reign supreme. The Space is the place where a good intention can
become transformed into a malicious one, where a meaningless exchange can morph
into a unkind gesture, where an action can be turned all the way around and
upside down—where not responding to a text message can change from “I forgot to
text you back” to “she must be mad at me…I must have said something to upset
her.” The Space is the place where something simple can become unnecessarily
complex, where an answer can raise more questions, where innocence can be
turned into something to feel guilty about. The Space is the place where
offense is born.
There is a potentially
massive disconnect that threatens between intention and interpretation.
Whatever you say or do
is thrown out there and can very easily end up in that Space. You have no control
over what happens in that Space, or just how it comes out on the other end.
Your intentions may not be interpreted in a linear, simple way. Your intentions
may be unclear to the receiver, or Person B’s interpretation of your intention
might have gotten all messed up in the Space. It’s humanity, and we deal with
it every day.
This problem is woven
into the fabric of TV shows, movies and real-life stories alike. Watch any
episode of Thomas the Tank Engine or Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood and you’ll
see that right from the start, we are showing our kids that we struggle as
humans with communicating how we feel and understanding just how our words or
actions are going to be received. We often need to have a reconciliation
conversation to clear the air and make it right.
Watch any sitcom or
rom-com or plain-old com or the news or your Facebook or Twitter feed and you will see loads of people
feeling slighted, hurt or offended by something someone said or did. There are
a lot of memes circulating about that these days, which also speaks to the sort of
sociocultural climate we are living in right now.
People can be mean, of
course, and blatantly so, and we all have a right to stand up for what we
believe in and what we feel is right, but I also wonder just how many situations could be resolved by
exploring Person A’s actual intentions, and by Person B exploring how and why
he or she arrived at that understanding. I wonder how often intentions were either
communicated poorly or interpreted differently than intended.
Anais Nin said,
“We don’t see things
as they are. We see things as we are.”
We look at every
situation through our own perspective, and even when we are trying to be nice,
trying to be helpful, trying to prove something about ourselves, trying to show
others that we want to feel important, trying to do the right thing or trying
not to offend anyone, there’s no guarantee that our words or actions will be
received in the manner with which they were delivered.
I wish that all of the
things I’ve said to people and all of my actions were interpreted as I intended
them. But I know that’s not the case. I also wish that I could have tried
harder to shape my communications with a clearer intention so there would be
less of a chance of them being misinterpreted. But I’m not perfect, and I haven’t.
There are times when I
wish I could have said the perfect thing to comfort or encourage someone, or
said the perfect thing to break the ice and start a good conversation, or ask
the appropriate and considerate question, or just done what I know I should
have done, but instead I’m sure I have often peppered the Space with questions that seemed awkward or responses that sounded like flat, run-of-the-mill catch phrases that were just asking to be
interpreted as such instead of with the colour of caring or kindness.
Maybe in some cases, particularly if it was someone who knows me well, Person B knew my heart and understood my
intentions, and interpreted them in the best possible way, but we can’t know
that for sure.
There have been times
when I have felt hurt, stressed, jealous or angry and ended up speaking through
the filter of those things. There are also times when I know I have felt hurt
or misunderstood someone’s actions toward me, and letting it bother or offend
me when instead it was an invitation to look more closely at the intention.
How many times have
you lain awake at night, worrying about how you said something and realizing
that even though you meant it one way, your comment could have been interpreted
in a different way? We stress about how our intentions were interpreted, and
sometimes it was rightly so—an invitation to make it right—but other times, it could
be our insecurities telling us we did something wrong, when in fact the person
actually understood our intentions. How many times have you tried to clear your
conscience by bringing up a conversation you had with someone weeks ago, only
to find out the person doesn’t even remember the conversation, or didn’t
interpret it the way you worried it was interpreted? The Space can make things so messy!
How can we be clearer
about our intentions without becoming a robotic Captain Obvious?
Why is there such a
huge gap in understanding?
Why are more and more people choosing to feel
offended about things that could possibly be misunderstood intentions or just
someone having a bad day? Perhaps the Space is magnified because of social
media and the freedom and availability people have to use social platforms to
speak their minds and express their opinions, but then it's our responsibility to manage and navigate the Space with maturity, humility, strength, grace, mercy and love.
I’ve noticed with
myself that I tend to interpret communication in a more negative way the more
hurt, angry and uncaring I feel. When my sense of
self-worth is low, I tend to be vulnerable to misunderstandings and
prone to impatience—that’s when I can make something out of nothing. That's when I can say hurtful things, even though I won't really mean them tomorrow. That’s
when the Space widens.
On the other hand,
when I’m feeling confident within myself and understand all of my
imperfections, I am way more capable of loving and understanding others. When I
take the time to work on my own vulnerabilities, when I work through negative
feelings and let go of things, and when I take care of myself, things don’t
bother me or affect me nearly as much. I am way more adept at interpreting
intention. I love to understand. I can build a bridge over the Space.
I wonder if perhaps
humility and strength could bring us to a place where we can more easily understand others…a
place where we can receive words and actions with love and in the same way,
give our words and actions away with love. Love is definitely the strongest
material with which to build a bridge of understanding—to shrink the Space.
Love covers over a multitude of wrongs.
What was my intention
for writing this? I want to
point out the existence of the Space between intention and interpretation with
the hopes of making it smaller—with the hopes of building bridges of understanding.
